"My goal is to not only be happy, but content. I said I would surround myself only with good people and I wouldn't let them affect me because when I was to reach 17, I would seldom depend on anyone because I would love myself. I explained that I would be a loving person, especially to myself, and that everyone would have reciprocated feelings towards me; they would enjoy my presence and the person I lead up to be in the end. I could compliment my appearance and my personality and others would be able to see the light in my face. I said not only would I be happy, but content. Counting down to 15 days until October 1st, my birthday, and I can say I'm not close."
An update, January 4th, 2015:
I read this and I am appalled to see such negativity towards myself, but then I register in my mind, I am not a happy person and I have not been content in what seems like a great portion of my life leading up until today. I feel as if I have diluted my contrariness, and by that I mean increase my already upsetting attitude, as I grew up. I feel as if I am such a lonely person, maybe sometimes even unwanted, yet I still am able to grasp a sense of meaning to my life, speaking through still being alive today. I have made it this far, yet at the time, I was not able to justify my well being. But maybe I will grow and learn to make myself better, as I have been trying to more so recently. When I turned 17 on October 1st, I remember my goal was unlike the other goals I had in the past years. I remember feeling some what different, mentally, as if my aim was to become my age, someone who lives life without remorse. Someone who is able to explain the ups of life because I have been put through such transformative things. Maybe I'm just rambling on about past emotions or analyzing my own intuitions, but I know that at the end of these thoughts, something bright is to follow.
Here I am, sitting on my desk trying to gather my thoughts, but instead, I decided to expose my personal situation within the span of September 14, 2014 all the way to January 4, 2015 to people who hardly know me. You have now entered the complications of my mind- something rather intricate and often labyrinthine, but maybe it's that time in my life, to allow better people in my mind to give me a sense of sanity.
Not that I'm insane; I'm just wandering upon this convoluted life of mine.
-n.b.
xx
Hey there! :)
ReplyDeleteMaybe you didn't reach your goal to be content (or even to be happy) yet, but I think that's no problem. As you mentioned: you made it till here. You made it another few months and you can be proud of yourself. You are only 17, you are still young, you have enough time to reach your goals and to make dreams come true. I know it sounds so cheesy and typically, but I think it's the truth. And the truth should be spoken (what a magical sentence!).
You already felt it yourself.. Someday something bright is going to happen and maybe this day will be the day you'll be happy (or even more). This world is complicated and rough, but it's beautiful too. And so is life. Our job is to discover the beautiful sites and to keep them as long as we can. There will be hard times too, but as along as we stay strong and keep trying and move on from the things (or persons/habits/whatever) we don't like we can stick to the beautiful sites and live our life in our perfectly-imperfect way.
Maybe we can be happy tomorrow. Maybe we can be happy in a month, or a year. Or even in five years. It doesn't matter. Happiness and satisfaction needs time. And you have that time. ♥
xoxo Neluance aka Fantasia