It's been quite a while since I've really written anything and it's not as though I'm attempting to avoid my blog, it's been writing in it's entirety. I think I've dropped a few ideas onto my phone in the notes app, but nothing furthermore because I usually would have scrapped my idea by now or it remains un-sketched in the app. Also, I've noticed that usually when I created a blog post, I would have some sort of plan or idea within creating it and maybe- I don't know- some sort of attachment like a POEM or something? The whole purpose of my time and effort into logging my life? But this time, I'm just writing whatever seems to alleviate my head, so here it goes, unstructured and free-flung. (it sounds like I'm in a high school movie where the crisis of the situation begins here or it's the first day at a brand new school, geez.)
You may or may not pick up the many harsh details of my poems in which describe a problematic boy who has caused me beyond head pains, but emotional stress. I wish to disclose his name because I doubt he would ever find this or even ATTEMPT to care to decipher the problems we had. It was only recently to decided to detach myself from this one-sided relationship I had with him, then again adding with the horrible distance problems we had in the first place. Not an attempt to render any sympathy out of you, but I've known this guy for almost 5 whole years now. Jesus Christ, right? I know what the whole idea is. How informal of me to write about someone so loosely in the terms of being so infatuated with someone especially in terms of time. This kid was nice to me in the beginning and again, I use that term very strung out, "nice" because if I think about all of the times he treated me right, I might not finish this post in attempt to call him back and see how his trip to Puerto Rico went. Anyhow. I think this sense of attachment towards someone was, initially as real as it got for someone who felt so robbed of this sort of "love" feeling in full expectation. But he really did treat me right and it only fed on itself when I was the only one in the relationship actually trying to do things. The basis of almost all of my poems lay on the life of one kid that most likely sufficed rather LESS than half of the feelings I've come up for him, jumping to conclusions. Just keep in mind that "one-sided" always seemed to be my theme. There was another situation in which I was left hanging but let's not get into that for now unless you've mastered the art of deciphering poems.
After an entire year (or maybe more, now that I think about it ouch) of heartbreak and disappointment, I've come to terms with my mental state and agreed on leaving the boy and his plethora of disbeliefs. Although everything seems alright through this post, it was much more brutal than you can paint a picture of. I was sick of myself and this mindset, so I decided to open myself up more to the light and I did. I no longer expected to rely on anyone but myself because in the end, who else do we have? Who else would walk with us in the rain or the cold night of the mind?
This is only a part of my story but I just realized I don't think I'm mentally prepared to release the next details of my life as it is not my writing hour: It's only 8:19 PM and the creative juices start flowing around the "AM" hours as in "I need to be asleep but I've gotta continue writing this" hours, hence my lack in better words and my feeding off high school movie connotation.
It's also been such a bad day today and when I find this in the future, I hope that I don't remember why I was upset because I wouldn't want my future self to remember me as a sad little dumpling because I'm completely done with labeling myself life that (the sad part- I'll still be a dumpling when I'm 20 something lmao) anyways. I hope you read this in regards with your mental health and you're still out there trying to mend your mind of its discontents because maybe they're right, stuff gets better eventually.
And so folks, I leave it at this- I love you, and the lights of the night are always brighter when you look past this gloaming state of being.
No comments:
Post a Comment