(to want to write.)

Monday. May 18, 2015 at 5pm

I am feeling so fueled with emotions these days and the lead to inspiration from this is quite weird. I think I've been stuck in this phase of nothingness and that's what got to me most- nothing was happening, good nor bad, for a while. Everything was just one line of disappointment and I was waiting at the edge of my seat to sink back in or get kicked completely off. These past few weeks were the WORST- I feel like I finally settled into the true, putrid tastes of life with some vulnerability. How truly terrifying is that? I no longer feel alone, but more discerned with the qualities, specifically about my life. I have become more familiar of my own probability and capabilities, emotionally. An unfamiliar follower of mine messaged me just yesterday and spoke so much through a few words. She had personally taken the time to thank me for the advice I had given on instagram about being dependent on yourself and to primarily, never get into feelings too deep along the lines of trust in people. I felt some sort of connection from her although we have never encountered each other, personally. At the time I was aiming my advice directly towards someone, involving myself, but her message made me realize that this is what it is. Everything is happening all at once and the weight of the world will always be heavy on my shoulders whether there may be harmony in the end or not. It had struck me, most painfully, when she mentioned that she too, had the inability to maintain a stable relationship and how much trust and love she put into certain people in her life and received nothing back. This was the breaking point of my tears, I think- I never had someone feel the same things enough to come up to me and explain this feeling in the back of my mind I always had. Of course, my thoughts blew up and I analyzed it to the point where I really did feel alone in my space, in the moment, waiting for the world to revolve at the same pace as my spinning head. I never intend harm upon my mind; it just happens, and that's just one of the things that scare me the most. I'm so afraid of the tainted, bland truth and the acceptance of my bothered mind. I think that loneliness was never a fear of mine, it was the burying of my mind that suffocated me in the end. I'm looking for a spot in my life to wedge myself between the feeling of comfort and support of my own backbone. I want to cherish life as it is, because this really is a beautiful life, and things will be able to sprout, but how long until then? How far will it be? How many more times must I feel the same things to balance out the euphony in my life? These are all questions of the human race that usually remain unanswered until life takes them by the slightest of hand. As for me- I just don't seem to have quite the grip.