Recently, a close friend of mine and I have gotten into a bigger fight as a result of bringing up the long term one we've been having. I think at this point I've felt cornered with my problems and my upbringing thoughts of her as she was a constant in my life. Previously, I guess you could uphold this as, I saw her as a constant throughout the entire course of my life. I saw her in everything I thought of doing or becoming and I was holding on to the idea of her friendship to keep me moving. But we have grown apart now and I've completely accepted this. The thing that boggles my mind is the fact that she brings it up to me as if it were a golden platter of surprise or the biggest element to an equation I've been meaning to solve. It's over and I've understood this, but has she? I am writing this in behalf of saying goodbye to my ego towards this entire phase of my life, but I will always have unanswered questions and memories that are unable to be suffocated. I can only sit and type a few words to help you understand how I feel about this situation, but even then will I know how to explain it to myself to where I can document it and remember the deep feelings, ever I forget. I am in dire need of some answers, but now I realize that typing this out now will only keep me drowning in my absent and curious mind.
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Monday, May 25, 2015
"Notes" // March 1, 2015 11:15 PM
I think that maybe my life is so monotonous because I paint it to be that way. the way I imagine it to be is much different, in perspective, but when I allow myself to apply it, my mindset boggles into a complete livid distinction of myself. And that's speaking out of complete context, because I don't intend to be so angry about my choices, but I become that way out of the process in which I say "I can be better." or "I could've been more productive." "I could've done more." it's just frustrating when you believe to be sought out as such a bold character when you're really just lingering in the dark attempting to catch up with yourself in what seems to be successive flashes of life. it's so confusing, how things to equate to be, and I hate being stuck in this continuous loop looking downward and saying to myself "I'm sorry you're so afraid of change."
I am very sad that I have failed to keep up with your poetry intake. I've had these written for a while now, so sorry if you've been expecting more out of me. I don't know what to expect out of myself anymore.
This one is pretty much a less intricate way of describing my writing process. I'm speaking on completely different mind levels here so it gets a little confusing if you can't relate I guess? I hope you like digging into the tedious relationship I attempt to maintain with writing with this small snippet on my perspective of the world.
Another poem I wrote about his obsession with materialism versus the tangible connection we held. I think I was never a true constant in his life and I realized my presence fed him at the time but he always stayed so hungry. I don't know where I was at this point in my life, but it was definitely a low and my decision to upload it now shows that I have faced the danger and its potentional, but never again will I face myself towards the bustle.
Monday, May 18, 2015
Monday. May 18, 2015 at 5pm
I am feeling so fueled with emotions these days and the lead to inspiration from this is quite weird. I think I've been stuck in this phase of nothingness and that's what got to me most- nothing was happening, good nor bad, for a while. Everything was just one line of disappointment and I was waiting at the edge of my seat to sink back in or get kicked completely off. These past few weeks were the WORST- I feel like I finally settled into the true, putrid tastes of life with some vulnerability. How truly terrifying is that? I no longer feel alone, but more discerned with the qualities, specifically about my life. I have become more familiar of my own probability and capabilities, emotionally. An unfamiliar follower of mine messaged me just yesterday and spoke so much through a few words. She had personally taken the time to thank me for the advice I had given on instagram about being dependent on yourself and to primarily, never get into feelings too deep along the lines of trust in people. I felt some sort of connection from her although we have never encountered each other, personally. At the time I was aiming my advice directly towards someone, involving myself, but her message made me realize that this is what it is. Everything is happening all at once and the weight of the world will always be heavy on my shoulders whether there may be harmony in the end or not. It had struck me, most painfully, when she mentioned that she too, had the inability to maintain a stable relationship and how much trust and love she put into certain people in her life and received nothing back. This was the breaking point of my tears, I think- I never had someone feel the same things enough to come up to me and explain this feeling in the back of my mind I always had. Of course, my thoughts blew up and I analyzed it to the point where I really did feel alone in my space, in the moment, waiting for the world to revolve at the same pace as my spinning head. I never intend harm upon my mind; it just happens, and that's just one of the things that scare me the most. I'm so afraid of the tainted, bland truth and the acceptance of my bothered mind. I think that loneliness was never a fear of mine, it was the burying of my mind that suffocated me in the end. I'm looking for a spot in my life to wedge myself between the feeling of comfort and support of my own backbone. I want to cherish life as it is, because this really is a beautiful life, and things will be able to sprout, but how long until then? How far will it be? How many more times must I feel the same things to balance out the euphony in my life? These are all questions of the human race that usually remain unanswered until life takes them by the slightest of hand. As for me- I just don't seem to have quite the grip.
I am feeling so fueled with emotions these days and the lead to inspiration from this is quite weird. I think I've been stuck in this phase of nothingness and that's what got to me most- nothing was happening, good nor bad, for a while. Everything was just one line of disappointment and I was waiting at the edge of my seat to sink back in or get kicked completely off. These past few weeks were the WORST- I feel like I finally settled into the true, putrid tastes of life with some vulnerability. How truly terrifying is that? I no longer feel alone, but more discerned with the qualities, specifically about my life. I have become more familiar of my own probability and capabilities, emotionally. An unfamiliar follower of mine messaged me just yesterday and spoke so much through a few words. She had personally taken the time to thank me for the advice I had given on instagram about being dependent on yourself and to primarily, never get into feelings too deep along the lines of trust in people. I felt some sort of connection from her although we have never encountered each other, personally. At the time I was aiming my advice directly towards someone, involving myself, but her message made me realize that this is what it is. Everything is happening all at once and the weight of the world will always be heavy on my shoulders whether there may be harmony in the end or not. It had struck me, most painfully, when she mentioned that she too, had the inability to maintain a stable relationship and how much trust and love she put into certain people in her life and received nothing back. This was the breaking point of my tears, I think- I never had someone feel the same things enough to come up to me and explain this feeling in the back of my mind I always had. Of course, my thoughts blew up and I analyzed it to the point where I really did feel alone in my space, in the moment, waiting for the world to revolve at the same pace as my spinning head. I never intend harm upon my mind; it just happens, and that's just one of the things that scare me the most. I'm so afraid of the tainted, bland truth and the acceptance of my bothered mind. I think that loneliness was never a fear of mine, it was the burying of my mind that suffocated me in the end. I'm looking for a spot in my life to wedge myself between the feeling of comfort and support of my own backbone. I want to cherish life as it is, because this really is a beautiful life, and things will be able to sprout, but how long until then? How far will it be? How many more times must I feel the same things to balance out the euphony in my life? These are all questions of the human race that usually remain unanswered until life takes them by the slightest of hand. As for me- I just don't seem to have quite the grip.
Thursday, May 7, 2015
It's been quite a while since I've really written anything and it's not as though I'm attempting to avoid my blog, it's been writing in it's entirety. I think I've dropped a few ideas onto my phone in the notes app, but nothing furthermore because I usually would have scrapped my idea by now or it remains un-sketched in the app. Also, I've noticed that usually when I created a blog post, I would have some sort of plan or idea within creating it and maybe- I don't know- some sort of attachment like a POEM or something? The whole purpose of my time and effort into logging my life? But this time, I'm just writing whatever seems to alleviate my head, so here it goes, unstructured and free-flung. (it sounds like I'm in a high school movie where the crisis of the situation begins here or it's the first day at a brand new school, geez.)
You may or may not pick up the many harsh details of my poems in which describe a problematic boy who has caused me beyond head pains, but emotional stress. I wish to disclose his name because I doubt he would ever find this or even ATTEMPT to care to decipher the problems we had. It was only recently to decided to detach myself from this one-sided relationship I had with him, then again adding with the horrible distance problems we had in the first place. Not an attempt to render any sympathy out of you, but I've known this guy for almost 5 whole years now. Jesus Christ, right? I know what the whole idea is. How informal of me to write about someone so loosely in the terms of being so infatuated with someone especially in terms of time. This kid was nice to me in the beginning and again, I use that term very strung out, "nice" because if I think about all of the times he treated me right, I might not finish this post in attempt to call him back and see how his trip to Puerto Rico went. Anyhow. I think this sense of attachment towards someone was, initially as real as it got for someone who felt so robbed of this sort of "love" feeling in full expectation. But he really did treat me right and it only fed on itself when I was the only one in the relationship actually trying to do things. The basis of almost all of my poems lay on the life of one kid that most likely sufficed rather LESS than half of the feelings I've come up for him, jumping to conclusions. Just keep in mind that "one-sided" always seemed to be my theme. There was another situation in which I was left hanging but let's not get into that for now unless you've mastered the art of deciphering poems.
After an entire year (or maybe more, now that I think about it ouch) of heartbreak and disappointment, I've come to terms with my mental state and agreed on leaving the boy and his plethora of disbeliefs. Although everything seems alright through this post, it was much more brutal than you can paint a picture of. I was sick of myself and this mindset, so I decided to open myself up more to the light and I did. I no longer expected to rely on anyone but myself because in the end, who else do we have? Who else would walk with us in the rain or the cold night of the mind?
This is only a part of my story but I just realized I don't think I'm mentally prepared to release the next details of my life as it is not my writing hour: It's only 8:19 PM and the creative juices start flowing around the "AM" hours as in "I need to be asleep but I've gotta continue writing this" hours, hence my lack in better words and my feeding off high school movie connotation.
It's also been such a bad day today and when I find this in the future, I hope that I don't remember why I was upset because I wouldn't want my future self to remember me as a sad little dumpling because I'm completely done with labeling myself life that (the sad part- I'll still be a dumpling when I'm 20 something lmao) anyways. I hope you read this in regards with your mental health and you're still out there trying to mend your mind of its discontents because maybe they're right, stuff gets better eventually.
And so folks, I leave it at this- I love you, and the lights of the night are always brighter when you look past this gloaming state of being.
You may or may not pick up the many harsh details of my poems in which describe a problematic boy who has caused me beyond head pains, but emotional stress. I wish to disclose his name because I doubt he would ever find this or even ATTEMPT to care to decipher the problems we had. It was only recently to decided to detach myself from this one-sided relationship I had with him, then again adding with the horrible distance problems we had in the first place. Not an attempt to render any sympathy out of you, but I've known this guy for almost 5 whole years now. Jesus Christ, right? I know what the whole idea is. How informal of me to write about someone so loosely in the terms of being so infatuated with someone especially in terms of time. This kid was nice to me in the beginning and again, I use that term very strung out, "nice" because if I think about all of the times he treated me right, I might not finish this post in attempt to call him back and see how his trip to Puerto Rico went. Anyhow. I think this sense of attachment towards someone was, initially as real as it got for someone who felt so robbed of this sort of "love" feeling in full expectation. But he really did treat me right and it only fed on itself when I was the only one in the relationship actually trying to do things. The basis of almost all of my poems lay on the life of one kid that most likely sufficed rather LESS than half of the feelings I've come up for him, jumping to conclusions. Just keep in mind that "one-sided" always seemed to be my theme. There was another situation in which I was left hanging but let's not get into that for now unless you've mastered the art of deciphering poems.
After an entire year (or maybe more, now that I think about it ouch) of heartbreak and disappointment, I've come to terms with my mental state and agreed on leaving the boy and his plethora of disbeliefs. Although everything seems alright through this post, it was much more brutal than you can paint a picture of. I was sick of myself and this mindset, so I decided to open myself up more to the light and I did. I no longer expected to rely on anyone but myself because in the end, who else do we have? Who else would walk with us in the rain or the cold night of the mind?
This is only a part of my story but I just realized I don't think I'm mentally prepared to release the next details of my life as it is not my writing hour: It's only 8:19 PM and the creative juices start flowing around the "AM" hours as in "I need to be asleep but I've gotta continue writing this" hours, hence my lack in better words and my feeding off high school movie connotation.
It's also been such a bad day today and when I find this in the future, I hope that I don't remember why I was upset because I wouldn't want my future self to remember me as a sad little dumpling because I'm completely done with labeling myself life that (the sad part- I'll still be a dumpling when I'm 20 something lmao) anyways. I hope you read this in regards with your mental health and you're still out there trying to mend your mind of its discontents because maybe they're right, stuff gets better eventually.
And so folks, I leave it at this- I love you, and the lights of the night are always brighter when you look past this gloaming state of being.
Friday, April 3, 2015
Please speak up. You are worth everything and more -- violence is never spoken up about enough. If you feel hurt, if you are pained, if you are suffering. This isn't love. Say it twice or maybe a thousand, it will never mean enough. Do not convince yourself otherwise in the light of the day or the deep of the night. Wherever and whenever, it is vital to your mind. It is vital to your soul. This isn't love. Keep yourself from being scarred because your worth is the world. Show yourself that you will not stand for it-- show yourself that this isn't love. Stability is only possible through safety of your mind. Step beyond your line of fear. Grasp the opportunity and always remind yourself. You may end up on your own, but it will fill your heart more than imaginable. THIS IS LOVE.
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